Deceit's Requiem

My Return to the City of the Sun

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 21:55:00 GMT

I'm back. Phoenix. Wow.... I already miss El Paso. I love Phoenix, don't get me wrong, but I will miss El Paso. I have had so much fun this summer, it will definitely be one that I will never forget. I can't imagine what next summer or what the future has in store for me, but I'm excited to find out. Anyway.. I miss you guys!!!! Kristen, Vero, Michael, Nick, Ashley, Ashley, Mando, Steph, Alyssa, Vanessa D. ... I could go on for days = / I'm back where I belong though and I hope to hear from everyone soon!

Poor Investment Practices...

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 06:19:16 GMT

Hm.. So today was kinda lame. Nothing really happened. I sat around all day and did nothing and hated every moment of it. I did have a good time at dinner though. I went with my dad. It was good times. We talked and had a good time. I also had a good time with Vero tonight. We went to Taco Bell and she ate and then we went and drove around in the rain after finding out the dollar movies had already closed. We had such a good time, but at the same time we started to get deep and I came to a realization:

I make poor investments. I'm not talking money. I'm talking with my time. I devote a large amount of my time and resources to people that I think will make good friends and that I have a good time with, but unfortunately, it is rarely reciprocated. I'm always the one calling or the one making plans and putting forth effort. It makes me so incredibly sad. I wish that people liked me and that people wanted to be around me and called me all day and night and went out on a limb for me. There are a few people like that, and God bless you, and I'm so eternally grateful for having you in my life, but I guess it's a result of how people here at home turned out to treat me. Nothin' against you, just some anonymous people have really exploited my resources and my friendship and it's starting to take it's toll on me.

I really feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm so baffled I don't know what mistakes or what I did wrong or... anything. I've always had that feeling, like I wasn't good enough. I'm always so giving and befriend people very quickly and now I'm realizing that I'm pouring out and nothing is coming in--eventually my emotional wealth will be depleted as a result of people who were entirely undeserving of what I have to offer. = / shitty.

I guess I feel like I'm taken for granted sometimes. If I was gone tomorrow, I know certain people would care, but I can't see some people that I've devoted my time and friendship to giving a flying fuck. I need to take some investment courses...

Barely Breathing:

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star

But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn
It must've been that yesterday was the day that i was born
There's not much to examine, there's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious, you hafta ask me why
I say goodbye...

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I am kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the prize and worth the price
The price that I would pay

And everyone keeps asking, what's it all about?
I used to be so certain and I can't figure out
What is this attraction? Only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price, it’s worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I’m thinking it over anyway …

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?
I rise above
Or sink below
With every time
You Come and go
Please don't come and go

Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the prize and it’s worth the price
The price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway...
I'm thinking it over anyway...

And I know what you’re doing
I see it all too clear…

Enuff for tonight... I'm exhausted..

Bad Dream...

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 10:08:11 GMT

So yea... Those suck ass... It's four in the frickin' morning and I'm woken up by a bad dream... Speaking of bad dreams, I wish I would wake up from this one in particular. Here's how it goes:

I'm in El Paso.

Pretty horrifying isn't it?

What I wish I'd wake up to? My m'love.... I miss my m'love like the british miss the sun. I wish my m'love were here or I there, as long as I was close... I miss you so much...

Struggling to let go of the past...

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 07:49:30 GMT

The past haunts me. I can't move on from past events. I have an undying paranoia for a repetition of the anonymous occurrence.. I seriously have nightmares about it. I don't know what needs to change or how to fix it or where to begin. The logical answer is to rid myself of what creates the paranoia or the situation from which it stems; because that is a miserable existence to lead (a paranoid one).

I refuse to believe that's the only answer. Simply because I can't let go. Which is the root of it all, I suppose.

I feel trapped... I can't let go of the past and that prevents me from embracing the future. I fear the future. I worry about tomorrow and I worry about next week. I don't worry about things that other people worry about, though. I worry if I'm going to be hurt. Is someone going to break my heart or is someone going to say they're sick of me or that they don't like me anymore and they don't want to be my friend... I feel like I'm defective. Like something's not right. I try so hard to just be who I am--and in my opinion, I'm not a bad person. I'm not malicious or vindictive, I'm forgiving, understanding, give people the benefit of the doubt and I trust and believe almost any and everything... Well.. I used to. Being trusting and gullable, I suppose, faded with age as I became jaded and exposed to real people and not the people I grew up with and practically shared my adolescence and childhook with. It's been quite the shock to me--lemme tell ya. Not just a shock, but it's had a particularly frightening impact on my character, beliefs, and self-respect. I'm not as optimistic as I used to be, that's for sure. I would always find the silver lining of the storm, I always bounced back. I haven't been able to do that in a long time. I'm working on it though. I'm struggling with a lot of internal issues and I'm doing a lot of soul-searching.

I'm realizing that even though all this crap has happened and I think I've changed and my friends think I'm bitter and jaded and lacking in optimism, I am discovering--usually when my mind isn't clouded with painful recollections and I'm not suffering from anxiety of what might happen tomorrow--that deep down, I'm that same happy-go-lucky guy that is care free and friendly and optimistic and a little more loving of himself and everyone he meets. I didn't always dislike the way I looked or the way I walked or the way I dressed. I didn't always base my self-worth on what other people thought of me like it does now, all that used to come from within. I always kept myself open and exposed and people took kindly to my openess and blatant vulnerability and I was rarely taken advantage of.

I'm not saying I've been taken advantage of in that typical way people interpret "being taken advantage of" in. It's hard to explain... It's as if exposing my heart and bearing my soul to everyone was somewhat taken advantage of. Does that even make sense??? It's partly my fault--it's like walking around in a bad neighborhood at two in the morning--ya know? It's like never locking your care because you trust that people will respect your trust in them and they won't steal your BMW. (not that I'm calling my self a premium german car though haha ;) A big part of it is my own fault.

The problem with me is that (here comes the big crazy metaphor) I am like---okay don't laugh---the batmobile. lol okay that sounds lame, but hear me out. When batman locks the batmobile with that crazy ass shield that surrounds the car he makes it totally inaccessible, but if he doesn't put up the shields, it's totally vulnerable and there with nothing to hide and makes no qualms about being the batmobile. SO, to tie it all together, either I'm there and who I am and exposed fully as a person with nothing to hide, no dirty secrets or two-faces, hidden gimmicks, or shames I won't talk about, or I'm silent, guarded, inaccessible and trapped inside a shell.... (is it coming together???)

I'm so guarded and self-inhibitive right now that I'm not happy. I'm afraid to let people see my soft under-belly... I'm afraid to get hurt again, so I don't let go--I remember... I forgive, but DO NOT forget and it's frustrating cause I feel like one of those people who had like a bad car accident and won't get in a car anymore--ya know? I had this one really bad experience and now I'm socially inept. I just don't know how to help myself, but I think actually materializing and writing all this down is helping me. I never really thought this hard about it, but now because I just open up and type and write for a long time I can finally, literally see what's going on in my mind and where all this stuff comes from.

I'm pretty close, I think, to figuring out exactly what's wrong. However, knowing me, I'll unearth some other issue and realize that I'm only scratching the surface. I know I have the potential to be happy every single day. I have so much going for me and I'm blessed with a fantastic family, amazing friends that I consider family and I'm respected by my peers and regarded, generally, as a pretty good guy. I have little reason to be unhappy. I want to be happy. I'm so fed up with being a self-loathing, anti-social lethargic person. I'm so fed up with it because it's not who I am. That's not Brandon. That's a front Brandon puts up and hides behind because he's afraid of getting hurt.

I suppose one must open themselves fully and expose all there is about them to fully appreciate a bond and relationship. I think that I, as an intrinsic necessity, need to be exposed as a person and have no hidden crevaces in my personality to be happy and to be comfortable with myself.

Project of the year:

1. Learn to let go of the past.
2. Be not afraid to hurt, without pain and experience and trial and error you will never find happiness.
3. Be yourself, uninhibited and true to your feelings, urges, impulses and beliefs.
4. Be content with the life you're making for yourself, take charge of your life and let no one lead it for you--only you call the shots.
5. Learn to look forward to tomorrow, embrace the future and do not fear the past.

Well, this turned out to be quite the insightful entry. Not to whoever is reading this, but to me. This is part of who I am, I am not afraid to show my face even when I'm beaten and bleeding. It's who I am. If people can't see past my issues and my faults that make me human and real, then I pitty them for fooling themselves and believing that there are baggageless people out there.

My new motto:

What you see, is what you get. Me.

Martina McBride: How Far

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 18:27:56 GMT

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh, never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh, when's it gonna end

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
How far

John Mayer: Love Song for No One

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 04:57:11 GMT

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
(get here)

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
just staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

It's not that I haven't found someone, but the timing is all wrong I suppose... Whatever, I won't go into detail or nuffin', but to that person, you know who you are, Love ya.. ciao....

The painful influence of the weather...

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 22:19:42 GMT

I hate weather like this. It's overcast and gloomy. My house is dark and empty and I'm lonely. This sucks butt. I have friends that love me and that I love, but I don't really want to see anybody right now. I want to be alone, but want someone to hold. It's kind of a weird sensation to want someone and to be left alone at the same time. Oh well. What can ya do? I've been really emotional lately, I cry at the drop of a hat. It sucks ass. I don't like to cry. I'm just really unhappy right now. I don't like where I am, I don't like what I'm doing, I don't want to wake up sometimes cause at least while I'm sleeping I don't know I'm miserable. It's rare that I'm happy or "at peace" so to speak outside of going out with my friends. I go out and forget about everything cause I'm living in the moment--not thinking of yesterday or tomorrow and it's good times. Other than that---like the other 21 hours of the day, it sucks. Anyway, I'm tired of being down, I'm going to go do something productive--or try at least. Ciao..

Incubus, I wish You were Here

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 16:40:43 GMT

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy
Happy

I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were...here

I lay my head onto the sand
The sky resembles a back-lit canopy with holes punched in it
I'm counting UFO's, I signal them with my lighter
And in this moment i am happy
Happy

I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were...here
Wish you were here

The world's a rollercoaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air, saying

I wish you were here
I wish you were...
I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were...here
Wish you were here

My weekend In San Juan Capistrano

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 17:58:41 GMT

What a weekend.. It was up it was down it was euphoric and unbearable all at the same time. Seeing Arin was fucking great. It's been long enough and I was just thrilled it was great. I miss him so much. I can't wait to go back to Phoenix, aside from having a new thirst for being successful in what I'm doing, I can't wait to see where this is going. Me and Arin have turned over a new leaf in our friendship and we're just happier, healthier and closer than ever before. I absolutely love it. The tower of terror you ask?? Kick ass. It was so much fun. Fantasmic of course was sweet, and the fireworks show was amazing. Arin's family is great too, they're so nice and so sweet to me. I sang for them and got real embarassed, though! hahaha... I was so excited to be there for Arin's birthday, I was going to be really pissed off if I couldn't make it. We also went to this bar in Laguna on the beach that was fun too. LoL One of Britney Spear's ex-dancers was drunk and totally hitting on us, then he started to be a buzz kill and were like "laaaaayturrrr!!" hahaha!! That was good times... We went back to Phoenix and I stayed an extra night cause I don't work till tomorrow (wednesday) so I got to spend one more night with, Arin. It was nice to hang out and just relax and we hung out with John and Mike and Nick for a little bit and that was fun and then me and Arin went to BS and had a good time, just had a drink, but it was kinda dead.

It was really hard to leave, I miss my bestfriend and I hate being in El Paso. I cried as usual.... The drive home wasn't so bad, my boy/brother Mando went with me and we talked pretty much the whole way home. That was cool.. Got home, had some bad news for my parents and they were supportive and totally are helping me out--thank God--and everything is okay now. I'm just sitting around now wanting to go to work cause it means I can go back to Phoenix soon and that's that. To the people I love and miss, you know who you are ;) Ciao

A new, Workin' Man.

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 05:42:37 GMT

So things are fantastic as of now. I'm pretty tired cause I worked today from 5 till ten after 9 or so, but I totally like what I'm doing so it's great. I'm waiting tables if you didn't know. It's lots of fun for whatever reason, I enjoy. It's good money for right now and I have good hours and so forth.

Work aside, everything else seems to just be falling into place. My confidence has been rekindled and I'm well on my way back to how I used to be. It's AWESOME. I totally miss being independent and self-motivated to do things. I remember enjoying time to myself. I'm starting to feel attractive again and talented and worth something. I haven't felt that in a long time. I'm more social and less inhibited, I'm meeting people and running into old friends--life is good. =)

This weekend is one of the closest people to me's birthday =) I'm very excited that I get to go see him, I miss him. He's my buddy =D. I'm driving to Phoenix and he's driving us to Los Angeles and we're going to have a fabulous time lol. Anyway, I've got to pack now that I think about it. LOL... Oh well.. it'll get done.

Today is also very strange cause I've had some fucked up dizzy spells--LIKE RIGHT NOW. I CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT AND I'M TOTALLY NOT KIDDING IT FUCKING SUCKS THE FATTEST SWAMP ASS EVER. IT'S MAKING ME SICK AND I FEEL DRUNK.... I don't know what's wrong with me, but I REALLY hope it goes away... I need to see a doctor...

Soooo, ya. Other than that life is good lol... L

Laaaaaayturrrr!! =0P

Double Standards

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 02:19:50 GMT

I hate double standards. Cannot stand them. They make me bitter, resentful and often ruin my day. Not this time. I've just got to let go. Today I worked for the first time by myself--no training or follows or nuffin' like that, it was all me baby :) haha I did fine--in fact I was on so on top of things, I was bored. I had nothing to do. I needed more tables, but I'm the new guy and so it goes. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I listened to some of Cristal's ex-boyfriends music last night and it's really really good. I'm really impressed by it. He's a good guy and it's a shame we never got along very well. Despite our "misunderstandings" I respect him and his musical talent. Me and Cristal hanging out again reminds me of how different I used to be and how much of my self-respect has dwindled and how tolerant I am of mistreatment. I never took shit from anyone and never cared if I was alone or if someone was going to hate me or stop talking to me. LOL I was kinduvan asshole that way because I felt fully justified in everything I did. I just have so much self-doubt right now and such low self-esteem I don't suppose that's possible. Oh well.. Sometime soon people won't take me for granted and I won't be so nice and people won't walk all over me. It sucks it has to be that way, but let's face it, the nice guy finishes last..

I guess i'm just in a bad mood??? lol that was a very weird entry--oh well. stream of consciousness i guess lol shows how random i am i guess =P

Blind Optimism

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 20:05:18 GMT

Weird how your mood fluctuates without reason. I'm in such a pleasant mood today. I'm just optimistic about everything; work, school, tomorrow, lunch, you name it I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait to go to Vegas and to Phoenix/LA for Arin's birthday. I really hope I get the time off work to go, cause I REALLY REALLY want to. I think I'd be sad if he went to the tower of terror without me, but I would totally understand too haha.

I'm real excited to start work tomorrow. I want to make money! I ran into an old friend last night. Cristal. I've missed her a lot, and now that we're talking again and making plans to hang out, it just feels good. We were talking about it last night and we've known each other for...hold on I gots to count again.... for EIGHT years! that's a loooooooong time! It was fun to dance with her last night (despite the music sucking a fat ass) and now we've made plans to go to other bars 'round town and in Mexico. She's fun to party with.

I woke up this morning sorta cranky and not wanting to get up, but just as the day has progressed so did my mood. I titled this "blind optimism" because I don't really have a clue as to what the future holds or if things are going to work out in general, but I'm optimistic about it. I feel like I'm on some stupid reality T.V. show where whatever lies behind door # 3 (the one I picked) could either be hell and turmoil or resounding happiness and resolution and I have to wait to see what I've won. Stupid analogy I know, but I dunno how else I'ma 'splain it to other people. Whateva...

I think music has such a profound effect on my mood. Sarah McLachlan makes me wanna slit my wrists sometimes and Switchfoot, though not the happiest, leaves you with a light at the end of the tunnel. You can hear that everything is eventually going to be just fine. I guess I read too deep into music or have some fucked up interpretations, but that's why I'm studying it; I love it. =)

Okay, so I've rambled on about NOTHING for a good while now. I'm playing games with my little brother again and here in just a second I'm going to go make me a banana smoothie (fuck yea!) =0) So, until next time....

LAAAAAAYTUUURRR!!! ;)

A casual evening

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 09:57:39 GMT

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It's been a long day. I woke up very late, and it's not like I had a long night. I woke up at about 1:45 this afternoon. I don't really like being in El Paso (I'm home w/ the rents for awhile). I think I'm depressed because I'm sleeping. A LOT. Anyway, I woke up and the first thing I did was call my bestfriend. Things were kinda weird. It wasn't much of a friendly conversation it was more syphoning information from each other. It really struck a nerve and was quite the eye opening experience. I realized just how good of friends that we potentially could be and had not been due to some unique circumstances. I convinced myself of a few things and made a few emotional and mental adjustments and have now officially hit the reset button. Things are going okay. It's rough cause I love my bestfriend, but not the way you love a friend. I'm IN love with my bestfriend--sorta complicates things. So, now my day is off to a shitty start. I'm down because I think somethings wrong with me and that I'm undesireable and ugly and blah blah blah. We've all been there.. It's shitty, huh? So my day kinda dragged on. I stayed cooped up in my room for several hours after that, I don't think I came out till 6 or 7 in the evening. I sat around, played games on the computer w/ my lil' brother--which was nice cause we used to fight a lot. I took him and his friends to the movies, then came home and got ready to go out. I just went to see Kill Bill Vol. 2 which was good btw. After the movie we all went to the parking lot to see what we were going to do for the remainder of the night (11:30 or so is early for us) and some people needed a jump--their car battery had died. So, naturally, the "nice guy" (me if u hadn't guessed) jumped their car. The ungrateful bastards hopped in and sped off with a brief and very insincere "thanks". <smirk.> whatever... We finally decide that we just wanna hang out somewhere and have a beer or too, so we went to my house and hung out in the R.V. in the backyard like typical trash lol.. So we hung out and had our beers and quickly were tired and bored. Mando called as I was walking them out and we started chattin'. Good ol' Mando... It's been awhile since we hung out and did the usual "sit outside and talk" bit. We ended up going to Krispy Kremes and sitting outside till ten after 3. We talked and talked, just about everything. I'm glad I've got friends like him to keep me on my feet.. Lately I've really needed the support of people close to me in whatever I do. I guess I'm needy that way, but I'm just having a really hard time with my emotions as of late... I can't really seem to control my mood or my feelings. A rarity for me.. I used to be very independent in thought, feeling, and action. I was very secure and comfortable in all my decisions, but now, I have so much self doubt that I've taken it upon myself to fix it. I've gotten so good at hiding when something's wrong that not even my closest of friends can tell. Not John, Mando, Gina, Arin, Kristen... No one. It's mostly cause I don't want them to know somethings wrong. I guess I always feel like I have to be the strong one and the one that's always there for everyone else. I also think that people have enough drama and bull shit to deal with on their own, why burden them with mine? The other thing is that it is so much easier for me to observe a situation than to be observed... I think I'm a little afraid of what someone might say about me. I'm afraid that I'll be right about myself and about some of my decisions. =( hm...

I miss the old days. I miss John. We were SOOO attached at the hip. We went everywhere together and did everything together and were always on the phone and we never lied to each other and we had no secrets between us and we could sit around and do nothing and still have a great time and never once get sick of each other. My security in our friendship was so instrumental in my strength. It didn't matter what anyone else said or did because I would never be alone or without a friend or someone to turn to. I always ALWAYS had John. He'd drop whatever he was doing to be there for me, and I for him. I don't worry about bugging him or losing him. He is family. I think that's more of what I need. More truth and honesty in my life. Lies breed insecurity because of the uncertainty that comes with them. You can always tell the people that have been lied to a lot, they're very insecure and sketchy--often times shady. It's for their own security and lack of trust and you learn not to be angry at them for it. You also learn to see past the lies and not hear what they're saying, but see and feel what they're saying. It's like listening to a cryptic language of mixed signals... But you love em' none the less... I'm like that too in some ways, but I'm quickly learning that everybody is like that. Even me and John, I think. There are some unspoken things that we see and feel--it's a much more articulate language....